#1. Not being ready.
For most of my life, my cliche answer to the question “are you ready?” has always been “I was born ready.”
Today, the answer is “absolutely not.”
The ever confident, competent, and capable 19-year-old me is about to embark on a journey to which I have absolutely no idea what to expect. I am not prepared, in any capacity, for what I will experience and what God will call me to do. And that is scary.
But I count this moment of “unreadiness” as a gift. I give thanks here and now because tonight, these next 5 weeks, I am leaning hard on Christ like I never have before. Learning to trust God in the darkness of the unknown is hard and hurts a little in my heart that so craves comfort and control. But I give thanks in this moment because I know he is molding and shaping me here and now.
And I pray that as time goes on, if I do happen to get “more ready,” it wouldn’t be because I have grown more confident in myself, but instead because I have grown more confident in Christ.
I leave for Newark in 4 days. I am excited for the adventure, anxious for the unknown, and rejoicing in the way God has provided so far.
Throughout my time in Newark, I plan to maintain this blog by counting gifts. This idea was inspired by Ann Voskamp‘s book One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. My heart was inspired by this book to learn to live in the moment. She says that we can learn to give thanks in every moment, as Jesus did, and in return we enjoy the fullness of life and joy. I’m so excited about learning to see the joy and beauty in the mundane, unpleasant, and challenging. I know that through this process of giving thanks in every circumstance, God will show me more of who He is and how He is working.
I am counting gifts because I want to see God in whole new ways, but I’m also counting gifts because of the gospel. Ann Voskamp says in her book: “when I realize that it is not God who is in my debt, but I who am in His great debt, then doesn’t all become a gift?” Christ took my punishment and gave me His righteousness…every breath I take is a sweet gift from His gracious hand. Hopefully through this process of giving thanks, His grace will transform me and sustain me as I see Him in whole new ways.
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:9